Thursday, January 04, 2007

Nothing to Fear But ...

A day absorbed by work equals a brain on rapid shutdown and nothing to write about in my blog. Rather than recount the extremely stressful day I had - not due to catastrophe - but solely the side effect of organized chaos, I am going to shamelessly copy and paste the following December 27th editorial by John Teti, a freelance writer for AM New York, "Manhattan's Largest Circulation Daily."

Note: AM New York is the free newspaper that I used to take every morning from the friendly gentlemen at the top of the stairs leading down into the subway station just to help him do his job, but that I now actually read during my commute.

I found Teti's editorial to be hilarious at 8 a.m. on December 27, and I found the torn and tattered newspaper in the bottom of my bag during this evening's commute and thought to myself, this is what will go in my blog since I don't have anything else to write about today.

Be very afraid of 2007
John Teti

As the cigarette butt of another year burns to a close, it's time to put the clumsy metaphors of 2006 behind us and look ahead to the starched shirt of 2007. Here's what lies in store for the new year.

General Trends
- The following things will get worse in 2007: the Iraq civil war, global warming, that curry smell in the backseat.
- The following things will improve in 2007: Congressional approval ratings, the delicious taste of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, sponsorship for this column.

New York
- The Great Blackout of 2007 will end when Con Edison trips over a cord and realizes it simply forgot to plug in Queens.
- Cocky from their recent court successes, off-leash dogs will file a lawsuit against the trans-fat ban. When that fails, they will refocus on their core goals of fetching tennis balls and eating from the garbage.

- Jealous of all the free publicity Nintendo receives from coverage of Wii-related injuries, Sony executive Ken Kutaragi will offer to visit the homes of PlayStation 3 owners and personally punch them in the face.
- Quixotic Microsoft will forge ahead in its conquest of the digital-music sector. The company will double its market share, selling more than a dozen Zunes.
- Meanwhile, Apple will release an iPod that doesn't even play music, just to remind us all who's boss.

- Barack Hussein Obama will continue to suffer cheap potshots because his name sounds vaguely evil. To make Obama more palatable, the Democrats will prop a decoy candidate, Heywood Jablowupamericans.
- Once Americans realize that his months-long "listening tour" is just an elaborate stalling tactic, President Bush will admit that it is time for a new strategy in Iraq. Then he will say, "Hey, look! Ice-cream truck!" So we'll turn around, and there'll be no ice-cream truck, but in the meantime, President Bush will run away and hide in the bushes. We will be upset because we really wanted a Fudgsicle.
- Nancy Pelosi will kill a man with her bare hands.
- People named something other than McCain or Clinton will announce their candidacy for the White House. Nobody will pretend to care.

- After two consecutive seasons of declining ratings, the bird flu will finally be canceled.
- Tori Spelling will astonish onlookers by continuing to exist.
- My inbox will be inundated with angry e-mails from fans of Tori Spelling.
- Time magazine will name its Person of the Year: "Y'Know, Stuff, or Something."
- Newspaper columnists will make their moronic predictions for 2008, knowing that by then, you'll have forgotten everything they said would happen in 2007.

AM NEW YORK (WED, 12/27/06), ISSUE 251, VOLUME 4

I prefer to fear one day at a time rather than an entire year so I am going to shut off my laptop, zone out with some form of adult beverage in front of reruns of Friends or Seinfeld or whatever is on television tonight, and try to ease the trepidation of going back to work tomorrow.

No comments: