Sunday, February 11, 2007

Emotional Ramblings

I had a great week at work. Organized. Productive. Fulfilling. Followed by what started out to be a great weekend (brunch with the girls, Obama announced his run for the White House), but ended poorly. I think I need to learn how to take better care of myself because ultimately no one else can or will, especially in this city. I know that things I say or do are often caused by my own scars. But who doesn't have baggage?

Perfection is overrated. And I wish the best of luck to those who seek it. People with problems are more interesting. That's why controversial biographies sell. No one wants to read about someone who has it all and is happy all the time. People don't hesitate to judge others on their worst days or they at least like to watch others in them. It's what reminds us that we're not alone in our insecurities.

My problems are pretty shallow in the big scheme of things. Maybe I've just got the winter blues since winter is actually here now. The cold months in New York City can be harsh, but none more harsh than I can be on myself.

When I'm feeling a little down, I try to find comfort in the passing of time. That this too will pass. And spring will come later.

But later is still real for others. Still finite. It exists for others in a way it doesn't exist for me anymore. It's probably the reason why I start missing people that I love while they're still here. Or moments that I love while I'm still in them. Or why I often feel the need to start, do, accomplish, finish or resolve some things now.

I won't go into detail about this weekend's turn of events because a few people I know read this blog. The sacrifice of not demanding blogger anonymity. This is more of a rambling vent session for me. A place to breathe and to let go and to say to myself, I am human, I have issues, I need chocolate.

What better place to reveal your emotional insecurities than on the Internet? I guess we all just want someone with whom we can be vulnerable.

I remember a moment years ago when I was in an Applebee's in Asheville with Tokii, Monique, Jessica, Daphne and Shameika. We were all sitting around a large table with food and margaritas and everyone was laughing but me. I was sitting at the far end of the table with my head propped on one hand watching everyone laugh. I'm sure I had a smile on my face and that my demeanor matched the moment so that no attention was drawn away from the laughter. It's not that I didn't find the moment funny. I was taking a mental snapshot, memorizing where each of them were sitting and the way each of them laughed. And I found that I was already missing that moment, and I miss it still.

And what better way to start a new week than having your girls over for dinner, wine and the Grammy's?

... Because tomorrow’s grounds are too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling in mid-flight.
And after awhile you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers ...

Tokii and Gina will be here in an hour.

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